Adventures

Braving the wilderness of dementia to find home

Shelley

October is over, and we’re on to November.  Saying goodbye to each October every year is bittersweet to me.  I always miss my mom, I have fond memories of how much she adored October and Halloween.  On the flip side, I have not so great memories.  October was the month when I had to make difficult choices on her behalf.  The toughest one being, “You’re not safe at home, just stay here for the winter, and in the spring, we’ll see if you can go back home.”

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Those feelings of missing mom bubbled up for me this year with our empty nest.  She loved it when the kids would come to trick-or-treat at her house.  It would be decorated and all ready for them – with a big bowl of chocolate as the center of attraction.

I sent the decorations off to our youngest for her to use, so we didn’t even decorate our house.  We didn’t buy or carve pumpkins, and we didn’t buy any candy.  That’s okay – it’s not on our diet anyhow.  And, besides that, we haven’t had trick-or-treat visitors for over 20 years.  Halloween was just another day for us this year.

I passed by all the candy in the store, and as I headed out the door, I picked up the Senior Times newsletter and smiled.  I remember I had submitted a column for the issue and headed home to read it.  I had done something special to remember mom after all.

Hope you enjoy the story –

“But…I wanna go home.”

I don’t know the exact number of times she said, “But…I wanna go home.”  It was a lot.  The guilt, shame, and disgrace of being ‘the daughter who put me here’ hurt like heck.  But it eventually faded as days, months and years went by.  

I felt comfort, along with her, knowing that even if she wanted to go to her childhood home, she was safe there in a temporary home.  That was what mattered to both of us.  I know it had to be hard on her.  It’s scary to feel alone.  She was brave as she looked for what she wanted.  It was her courage that gave us both strength to carry on each time she talked of going home.  

And then one day the feeling of ‘home’ happened. 

While I’d love to say it happened as fast as the day I had to make the decision to move her into memory care, it didn’t.  It was a slow process.  With each visit, I noticed how she had settled into the place.  She received and gave more hugs with the staff.  She knew where her room was.  She knew who didn’t belong in there when they wandered about the place.  She knew where the meals were served.  And, yes! – she even made a couple of friends.  Friends to eat and chat with.  The special kind of friends, the ones she could complain to because they were in the same  “Have I told you that my kids put me here?” boat.

In all of her navigating moments of the day, she had found her ‘home’ in the human connection and that is when it happened—the moment she started calling the temporary place “her home”.

The day I found out how real her home was to her was at the end of one of her visits to our home.  After a nice visit, she told me she was ready to go back ‘home’. I choked a bit as I gulped back tears and felt my heart skip a beat.  We smiled together in the car as I drove her back ‘home’.  She couldn’t wait to tell someone about her visit to her daughter’s house.  As we walked into the door, she was greeted by staff with big smiles and hugs and she said, cheerfully with arms spread out gathering every hug as they appeared, “I’m HOME!”  

My heart melted.  I smiled at the staff as the greatest sense of relief overwhelmed me.  

Even a person with dementia, who can’t remember where their home is, can tap into the power of the brain through the connected feelings shared with other human beings.  That is how the feeling of ‘home’ forms for them.  And, in those moments, it is wonderful to hear, “I wanna go home.”

Post Inspiration – October and Dementia

PS – Happy November – I’m thankful to start the month off telling you I appreciate you reading and following my quirky moments – you’re special to me!  

 

Published by Shelley

Letting my quirk out one post at a time.

24 thoughts on “Braving the wilderness of dementia to find home”

  2. Such a hard time of life when parents need more care and we have to make the decisions. My mother-in-law hated the nursing home and asked constantly “When can I go home?’ We succumbed and let her return home but it lasted only a short time. My own mother put herself in a nursing home, having lived the nightmare with her mother. She is thriving there and soon to celebrate her 92nd birthday. You write of this difficult situation so well.

    1. Yes, it is, and each person handles it differently as your family found out. That is wonderful that your mom is thriving. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I appreciate your words of encouragement.

  3. Not sure if my comment on your site went through. I got a frowny face. I hope you find peace knowing that one day you will be together fully restored.

  4. Great post, Shelley. Not looking forward to the day my mom has to leave her apartment but I’m thinking it will be here in the next year or two. Hugs during this time of remembrance for you.

    1. Thank you, Janet. Hopefully, your mom will be accepting of the change, that will make it much easier. Hugs to you, too!

  7. Both my parents died in their homes, which was a blessing. But my grandparents didn’t, and that was painful to see and hear about. My 94 year old aunt is in a nursing home and has been for about 9 years, and most of the time is content with where she is.

    1. Aw, thank you for sharing your thoughts, Margo. My hope is that we all feel content in our surroundings as we age, home is a special place, wherever it may be.

  8. Dementia is the cruel of illnesses, I know all illnesses are awful but there is something so painful about a person being robbed of everything they are. I understand it is relative but even cancer you can fight but to have your essence stolen….
    My sister is coping with a husband who has dementia…it’s so hard. I wrote this before we found out about my brother in law.

    https://willowdot21.wordpress.com/2013/11/21/nablopomo-dementia-alzheimers-cruel-game/

    1. Yes, it is. So sorry your brother-in-law is living with it. My heart goes out to you and your family. I struggled so long with my mom, the day we realized together that the moment we were experiencing right then in there was all that mattered, life with dementia became easier to live with. Not every day was easy, but we did find moments of joy. I know it’s hard when you’re going through it. Someday, I hope your family will look back and see the better moments. Hugs to you and your family. https://www.quaintrevival.com/sweet-memories-of-dementia/

      1. I feel so stupid I am sat here tears streaming down my face …I cannot do your beautiful words credit . I read sweet memories of dementia, I am sure we will look back one day and see the good times 💜

        1. Oh, my goodness…you shouldn’t feel stupid and I didn’t want to make you cry – a life with dementia has so many layers, you’ll experience all of them, and someday (years later like me), you’ll focus on the good times. Hugs xx

          1. I do realize that, just feeling low. It reminded me of my mum too. After three strokes she was gone in all but body. She had to go into a home. I still miss her so even after 20 years. Thank you for listening 💜💜

  9. Thank you for sharing your heart. I am launching a blog soon about my Dad and his dementia, it’s like living it all over again. Hugs to you.

Comments are closed.