Adventures · Emptying the nest

Evaluating self-made madness of an empty nest

As an empty nester mom, I often sit, looking at the wild yonder of our yard, and wonder if I’m doing the right thing.  Right by myself, being patient and letting my life, as it has changed, or evolved, take over and guide me onto the next stages, or if I’ve gone mad and am just letting life change me?

What is life?  A madness.  What is life?  An illusion, a shadow, a story.  And the greatest good is little enough; for all life is a dream, and dreams themselves are only dreams. – Pedro Calderon de la Barca

A year ago, I patiently waited for the big “I’m moving away day” of our youngest daughter.  That was it, she was no longer in college, no longer coming back in between semesters to stay in her own room.  She was moving 3 hours away from her childhood home.

She prepared rapidly for the move.  Every day, painstakingly going through each and every item she owned.  Making decisions, organizing, and parting with her past.  Making room for a future.

There is no great genius without some touch of madness. – Aristotle

I waited for her to go through every item, according to the Kon Mari method, and she discarded what she didn’t find joy in or didn’t need.  Some of those items, gifts I had no doubt given her over the years.  They weren’t something she needed anymore.  And, of course, things that she had accumulated on her own that she didn’t want to have in her life anymore.  Those items were bagged up and ready to get outta there without regret.

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I don’t carry the burden of the past or the madness of the future.  I live in the present. – Narendra Modi

Her sense of freedom was inspiring.  How did she get so wise, after all, she was parented by me – the Dubious Minimalist™?  Was it the book by Marie Kondo?

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Um…I read it…didn’t have that effect on me?!  I still have piles for chrissake…

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Me, being as strong as possible, waited patiently until she said she was done with the sorting.  Then I offered her the assistance of hauling it all to the donation center.

Her reply, “Um, sure, that would help, Mom…but only if you promise not to judge me or go through the bags.”

I replied, “Of course, dear, I promise.”

I helped her load it all in my car, looking at all of it, and wondering, “Why can’t I be more like her?”

I did rescue a few bags when she wasn’t noticing.  And you know what?  They are still sitting in those bags in my ‘someday, this will be my craft room’ and I’ll make quilts for the homeless or for the animals at the animal shelter.  Someday, I’ll do more than play with my camera in that room.

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I’ll get to finish my grandmother’s quilts, and I’ll make more toy mice…and I’ll do…………….oh, my, the list is long, and the piles are still high, and I haven’t wanted to do any of it.

No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness. – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Her move away was tough.  It was inevitable, but it signified the end of a time in my life.  Making us official empty nesters.  Even when we know those moments are coming, it doesn’t make it any easier emotionally.  Intellectually, we get it, emotionally, it tugs on the heart.

On a side note, it reminds me of how WordPress is subtly introducing Gutenberg functionality as ‘optional’ in the Classic Editor.  Try it you’ll like it?  Did you notice that too?!

I dunno…is that intrusive, or suggestive, or inevitable when technology changes right before our eyes?  I don’t want to be an antique, I need to adjust – keep up with the times while keeping the beauty of the years I’ve been in existence.

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I suppose that’s normal, in a way, for me at this stage in my empty nest life to question the activities of others, not just myself?  But, do I want to be just normal?

Do I want to be like a House Finch and let the courting rituals of life feed my soul?

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Or do I want to be more finicky?  Picky?  Bitchy?  Stand out on my own.  So I get to finally just do things my own way?

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I’m on the fence about all of it really?  And a tad mad, I guess.

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Mad at myself for wasting a whole year fretting about being an empty nester mom.

When you are developing something, you have to look at it individually.  You can’t compare and contrast it to the projects around it, because that way madness lies. – Bryan Fuller

I am all alone – not really, Mr. is a great company, but he doesn’t need any kind of mothering, yikes…that wouldn’t work at all!  But I don’t have anyone to mother, I kind of miss that job I did for decades.  I feel lost some days, just like a mourning dove that has lost their tree mate.

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I’m aiming to see the forest of my (our) future where I (we) enjoy this stage, more than dread it.  I’m ready to sprout again.

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True, we love life, not because we are used to living, but because we are used to loving.  There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness. – Petrarch

I need to get over mourning the losses I feel and move on to discover and enjoy this new phase of life.  That, by the way, I’ve been testing out for a year.  Enough practicing!

Nothing that I do is going to force our kids back to the nest – they’re too determined to let that happen, thank God?  Really – I’m starting to see the opportunity for letting go of things.  The golden nugget of empty nesting is before me, I just need to follow their lead.

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I’m sure there will be days when I float along like a little white feather, free to find new spots to land.  All of it gives me possibilities to focus on the fun of our empty nest.

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No, my little chickadees aren’t coming back.  Once a child flees from the nest, we want them to be free and grow and prosper, just like we wanted to do when we headed out on our own. So many years ago.

Despite my self-made madness in my empty nest, I know all will be well.  I’m ready to embrace the madness of discovery.

Post Inspiration – Dutch Goes The Photo – (a couple days late!) Tuesday Photography Challenge – Technology and #MadMadMay (stay tuned, more to come on this official tag…!)

PS – How about you and your empty nest?  At what point did it become real to you?  Was it the day they left for school, or when they moved far away?  What is your favorite part of empty-nesting?    

39 thoughts on “Evaluating self-made madness of an empty nest

  1. I love this. And dread it. And worry about depression. And can’t wait for it. And…

    Perhaps I’m on the way to madness now… 😉

    1. Aw, thanks, Claudette. Parenting, no matter what stage is madness – sweet, lovable, madness. Your stage is no doubt the stage that builds the extra strong madness muscles! You’ll need ’em – so feed ’em and the munchkins while you’re at it ;-)!

    1. Enjoy those few years before it happens. They go by quickly! You’re welcome, thanks for stopping by to take a peek at my empty nest world!

  2. It is a hard adjustment. We lived close to one of our children so it was easier. Then we retired and moved away. It was crippling. And it is still hard to say goodbye when we visit. I have found our children come back — emotionally. That is a great day.

    And now we have grandchildren and it is easier to see that this is the way life is intended to be. I will say, I miss the days of my youth when there were three generations living under the same roof.

    1. Yes it is, thank you for your sympathy. I agree, it is a great day when we’re all together. There are no plans for little ones in our kids’ future for now anyhow. I don’t know if I’m ready for that, yet! I bet you just love all the little hugs and smiles of grandkids. Thank you for sharing!

  3. I never had the experience because of divorce but I do understand that lonely feeling. I chat with my babies often.

      1. Oh yes, my sons 26th birthday was a few days ago, I sent him a nice card and some prepaid Visa cards that he can use as he wishes, no stuffy gifts. Got the call from him today, thanks dad! My daughters second wedding anniversary was also a few days ago. They are remodelling their home so I sent them a big dollar Home a depot gift card, also my daughter just loved an airbrush painted image of Christ stomping out the devil I’ve had for years, she and her husband were really happy with them both! They are both Christian, her husband teaches children at their church. 😍🙏🏻😎😬 so proud of my little girl and my little boy!

        1. Aw, John, you’re so thoughtful. You sent them useful and desired gifts, that means a lot to them I’m sure of it. Thank you for sharing about your not so little kids ;-). Congrats – they sound like wonderful kids, by the way!

          1. Oh yes. TJ has had his same job for six years. Lauren finished college! ❤️ Was going to fly up this month but the airlines are in a bit of a crisis with so many grounded aircraft due to mechanical/tech issues. Delayed until June, sucks. Could just rent a car and drive I guess?

  4. Well, if it’s any comfort, one of my DD is in the UK…so at least yours is close enough to drive home. 🙂 She purged like crazy while packing for the move, and then had to purge again. We still have a dresser with full drawers of her stuff here, and she took some more things back on her last visit. I’m guessing over time she’ll tell me to discard the stuff, as she won’t pay the $$ for shipping…too crazy. Or she’ll move back to the US (🤞).
    I did snicker at your ‘rescue’ of a few bags, as I did the same with that giant dresser. It was originally mine and is built like a tank, so I hated to let it go. Although I don’t think I’ll ever use it again.

    Yes, the last one leaving takes some adjustment. It’s a kind of grief and you can’t make that go away on a time line, as they say. It will get better, though. Trust me. 😉

    I had to smile at your quilting comments. When my kids were young and I was a stay-at-home mom, I took a quilting class and created a queen sized sampler quilt. I can’t even imagine the hours I put into it. Unfortunately, I never finished the quilting of the edges and doing the final binding. So I have been carrying it around, move by move, for god knows how many years. Randomly, I’ll take it out, look at it with love, and think I should finish it. Then I put it back in the bag and move on with my life. Thought I’d get to it when I retired, but so far…nope.

    1. Aw, Laurel, you are such a kindred spirit of mine. I love how you can relate to so much of what I say and feel. I can’t imagine one of them living that far away. Oh, my. Thank goodness for skype or facetime and snapchat, I bet? I’m a rescuer of things, way too, often. In that ‘craft’ room, the projects are endless…it’s overwhelming so I sigh and hit the treadmill instead. I was going to finish the quilts with my daughter. I may hire it done, and then hang ’em on the wall as proof “I get things done!!” It can be our secret, right?! LOL – thank you for sharing your sympathy, support and encouragement!!

      1. Yes, that move was a killer. And she did most of her PhD research in Africa for several summers running. So I’ve had a lot of practice at letting go, like it or not. 🙂 But when we raise our daughters to believe they can do anything they want, it’s hard to not let them follow their own dreams. I still hope she will move back to the US at some point, but I’m not holding my breath. And a big YES to FaceTime and texting, etc. I’d be in a ball in the corner without them.

        1. Aw! Wow, Africa too – you’re not only a veteran at this stuff, you’re building extra strong muscles for the next move which hopefully be back here in the US. Us moms cheering from the ‘go for your dreams box’ is bittersweet. Me too, I’d be so sad without the FaceTime/Skype/Slack, etc.

  5. About the classic editor… in the plug-ins page in my WP account it says that the classic editor will be available as a plug-in after the allegedly mandatory switch to Guttenberg happens– and that the plug-in will be supported until [I think] 2022. Hence, I get the feeling that WP is backpedaling on Guttenberg, something that no one likes. 🙄

    1. Oh, my, you’ve found inside information. I’m impressed with your detective work! WP should listen to their loudest peeps…!

    2. I tried the new editor for the first time and couldn’t get my draft to paste into a block, with no luck, so then spent a panicky hour trying to find the icon to get back to the Classic Editor. It was a nightmare – kind of like being stuck in one of those reality games where you have to figure out how to escape from a room! I asked the Happiness Engineer when they would be switching and he was very vague…..and said I should learn it sooner rather than later. I will be blogging on it, once I find out how it works.

      1. Yeah, it’s a block thing that recognizes the return key. I write right into the blog, not in Word first then paste, so I don’t have too much of a problem with the block thing. I just find it annoying, especially for photos. If push comes to shove and it is forced on me, I’m feeling like I’d adjust. I hope you’re able to figure it out. Keep trying :-)!

  6. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a bad mother because I don’t get those feelings of being an empty nester. Maybe it’s because we haven’t really been empty nesters for long since our daughter did move back home after college and our son did move back recently for a time while he regroups. Still, I can’t imagine that I’d be that depressed without them here because I know that it means they are “adulting” and that means I/we did a good job raising them.

    1. No, there’s no reason to think you’re a bad mom! Being happy for them is a good thing like you said. It’s a grand accomplishment to be able to create strong adulting kids! 🙂

  7. Oh, Shelley, so much of this resonates. My nest has been empty for a few years now, and I continue to work on what it all means for me. I’ve started a business I enjoy ,but honestly, nothing will ever come close to the exhilaration, excitement and fulfillment of mothering my three children. None of them live near me, but what do you know??? The youngest is coming back to attend grad school in our city and will live with us for two years. I don’t anticipate him needing much mothering, but it will be nice to have one around for a bit. Nevertheless, I continue to search for something that fills me up as much as raising the children. It’s a process that for some of us, takes longer than for others. I just love being a mom! Good luck and continue to keep us posted on your progress. This community is really great, too!

    1. Aw, thank you, Barbara. I appreciate hearing your thoughts on this journey. How exciting for you to have your youngest coming back for a couple of years. I think you’re on the right track of him not needing much. It seems that once they are out of the house, the less they want to accept or need from ‘mom’. We have to remind each other that we’re still ‘mom’ just playing a different role at this stage. Good luck for you too, and I hope you keep us posted on your stages – and what its like to have the nest busy again. Yes, this community of bloggers is such a support! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!!

    1. Thank you, Rebecca, I appreciate your support and your kudos for the photos. I remember that you like them :-)!

  8. We don’t have kids, but when we lose these two cats, we’ll be empty nesters. I am not looking forward to that day.

    1. Aw, yes, fur babies fill the nest in a special way. Ours are keeping us busy in a different way from the way the kids did, but I know I will miss them when they are gone.

  9. We are a massive club out there – empty nesters are us. It is a grieving process that goes on for several years (or more). I find random outpourings in my journals ever since my oldest left for college when I just had to get it out. But it does fill back up again, but each time a bit less. Sigh. On the positive side there is less to do. Less work. More relaxed schedule. The mothering part is the most difficult to redirect. I agree.
    And getting rid of their stuff? Haha I rescued a few things too. I also was going to make a quilt out of their old favorite t-shirts. And then I accidentally put one of my son’s bags of t-shirts in Goodwill. Maybe that was a sign. I don’t even sew!
    I had 2 major points of reckoning. The first was when my oldest – my daughter – left for college – such a shocking reality shift. The change and aching void in our home. I had no idea. The second was when my youngest – my son – graduated college and came home for a month and then got a job 400 miles away. The day he left is etched in my memory as well.
    Patience with yourself. That’s key.
    This is a wonderful & timely post, Shelley. Thanks for sharing.

    1. Aw, you’ve hit the words spot on of the emotional struggles with this time in life. I love that you were going to make a quilt even if you can’t sew! That’s a super hero mom moment!! I had similar moments of reckoning. They are life changing moments of “I should be patting myself on the back for successfully launching the birds, but what I really want is one of their hugs!” Things will get better, one day at a time. Thank you for your sympathy, support, and for being here on the journey as an empty nester – I’m grateful we found each other here in the blogosphere!

      1. A rest-of-our-life journey I’m sure. So many conflicting emotions, as you say. I am also glad we have connected here in blog land 🙂

  10. As hard as it is, if we did it right, they no longer need us. They will still want us but don’t need us. There is a difference. And watching them become wonderful adults is a reflection on how well you did. I have seen your pictures. You did well. Now its your time to sprout the wings of the things you love to do and if not sure then try new things and have fun. Have a great week.

    1. Thank you, Anita – you’re right and I am proud of them – they’re surviving, and so am I. I’m excited to discover the next phase. And have fun, too. Thank you for sharing your words of kindness – hope you’re having a great week too!

  11. Well I can’t be an empty nester as I never had kids, so I’ll comment on the photos which always match your narrative just perfectly Shelley. I’ve been using “G” since April 14th and now when I write a post, the default editor for me is not the Classic Editor, but Gutenberg – I thought that was interesting that once I toggled for “G” I am there on the dark side unless I purposely return to the sunny side once again.

    1. Thank you, Linda – I appreciate your feedback on the photos – I try hard to make them purposeful and fun at the same time. It’s nice to hear when those efforts work! 😉 I’m glad you’re finding “G” is working for you. See, I told you you’d figure it out before me!!

      1. You are welcome Shelley. I enjoy your photos and narrative. I am okay with “G” now, but just have a basic knowledge and have to try new things, like putting an image and narrative side-by-side and some other fancier stuff. I was just taking baby steps. Furthermore, no one sees what enhancements I make with “G” as it does not show up in Reader unless it shows up for subscribers. Even small things like underlining do not show up, or justified paragraph in Reader. I’ll try something new this weekend. I’m at a loss where to walk – every park I walk in is flooded either on the grass or trails or the boardwalks, so it will be Council Point Park for me both days. No use trying out any new venues with all this rain and sogginess.

  12. I have one word for you – grandchildren! Until they arrive on the scene, enjoy your Me time!

    1. LOL! Yes, that’s the plan. I can wait a bit longer for that to happen – I’ve got stuff to do! LOL!

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