I remember back to moments when calling mom just seemed like the best thing to do. She always had the right thing to say, the right way to listen, or the advice I hadn’t considered. Even if she’d never been through what I was going through, she knew how to make things seem better.
I miss those days.
Especially the days when I’m feeling like everything around me is making me feel like I’m going nuts.
So much in life is all about balancing acts and dancing with the challenges that come our way. I’ve learned well, but still, I have my moments when I feel like screaming or crying…or both. And then I miss our kids and I miss my mom.
Mom had a stroke in 2007, and over the years until she died in 2012 from Vascular Dementia, the complications of both eventually took her life. Now, looking back at that time, it definitely caused us both to go nuts – collectively and separately in our own unique ways.
The number one risk factor for developing Alzheimer’s is being over the age of 65, whew…I’ve got 10 years to go. But other forms of dementia can happen at any age – we’re all at risk for it because we have brains.
I even said to Mr. this week, “Either I have to learn to listen to you better or get my memory tested, or we have to write down decisions and sign and date the paper, because every morning when we talk about the next stages of the project, I remember the decision made the night before differently from you – WTH – it’s driving me nuts!”
Mr.: “I’ve told you before, you’re not getting dementia, it’s just that I think of better ways to accomplish something overnight, so I change the plans or we get the news that something isn’t ready.”
Me: “So…how did it go? Where’s the 2nd sink?”
Mr:. “It was cracked in the same exact spot as the last one, so they have to order it again. Hopefully, the 3rd one will be the charm. Don’t worry, they said they’ll expedite it. I did tell them how unhappy I was with them and how they’re holding up my kitchen. The guy even called the distribution center to complain on my behalf.”
Me: “Okay…it’s such a bummer though…”
So, yeah, the kitchen is unfinished and partially set-up in our laundry room. Without a sink in the kitchen, or countertops completely installed, this set-up has to be doable for the time being. I still get my morning coffee! YAY!
Our laundry room, by the way, is the last room in the house with wall-paper. I’ll never go nuts installing that stuff – Ever. Again.!
The washboards in that room were hers. Hmm…it’s funny how memories of her are triggered.
My mom’s dementia affected her contributions to our conversations, but she remained interested in hearing my stories about what was happening in our lives. I never had the heart to tell her that I painstakingly sorted through every piece of her belongings in her house, every picture, every piece of paper, every item of clothing, every note she left behind for me – all of her memories were sold, stored or forgotten.
But I did tell her about our kids, pets, and my troubles at work, etc. She always listened intently and gave me a hug when I’d visit her at the memory care facility where she lived up until her death (Oct 2008- Apr 2012).
If I went to see her today, this is what I’d say,
“Hi, Mom – it’s me – how are you? It’s been one helluva week for me.”
“Oh, Hi, dear, I’m fine…oh, no…why?”
“A quick summary okay with you?”
“Yes, dear.”
“Oh…it’s just that I’m stressed, not sleeping well, not eating like a queen, our kitchen remodeling project is taking longer than we planned, and I’m still having computer issues at work, our sink is delayed (again), the third window hasn’t arrived yet and we found another one with a flaw in it, the counters don’t fit (yet), we’ve changed our design plans again (easier and less expensive), the house is a mess, the pets are stressed, and we’re hosting Thanksgiving dinner for 15…oh, my how I wish it was 16 so you could join us, too. Mom…I miss you…and love you dearly.”
“Oh, no – will a hug help? PS…I love and miss you too dear…” xx
But…I’m not too worried, I know all of the stressors will work out, I’m sure of it. It’s just a bunch of little things adding up. My gift of resilience is something I love to embrace.
The little things? The little moments? They aren’t little. – John Zabat-Zinn
PS – November is National Alzheimer’s Awareness Month. Please take a moment to educate yourself on it. This short video is eye-opening.
Post Inspiration – Linda G. Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Nuts
PS – What fact or figure about Alzheimer’s surprised you? Do you know anyone living with dementia? Do you know how many Americans are turning 65 this year and how prevalent dementia will be as the baby boomers age? Do you think the saying ‘3rd time is a charm’ is a real thing?
Wow sorry about your kitchen worries guys! Remodeling is never fun. I’m so sorry about your mother Shelley. ☹️❤️
Thanks, John. We’re doing okay – I’m just a worry-wart! Yeah, I miss mom, she’d have plenty of advice for this project and how to ‘just chill girl…just chill’! 🙂 Hope you’re back home and feeling better?!?
I feel this one to my soul. My mom passed in 2016 but I lost a lot of her to Parkinson’s long before then. Being a mom without my mom can be lonely.
Aww…yes, Parkinson’s isn’t fun either. My mom had the tremors of that as well. Yes, indeed, being a mom without a mom has many lonely moments. Hugs to you too xx
I hope you’ll finish your project soon. I missed my mom too! Hugs, Shelley. ❤️
Thank you, Winnie! xx
You’re welcome, Shelley! ❤️
Oh, my. I didn’t realize you were hosting Thanksgiving, too. I’d be stripping my gears too. But you seem to be managing it well. And the window scratch won’t really make a difference to your guests, I’m sure. 🙂 Hang in there!
Also, I visit a lady with dementia, and I’m sure your mom was just happy to see you. You have some lovely memories of her, but it’s hard at the holidays, I’m sure. My mom is still alive and well at 87, which I consider a HUGE blessing.
Yes, the visits do make a difference to those living with dementia. Holidays and just ‘how’s it going’ days are hard. Getting a bit easier with time, though. You’re blessed that your mom is still alive and doing well – enjoy every moment you get to share with her. Give her an extra hug from me!
Yep – I know how to make a project big!! 😉 We’re doing okay, and we’ll enjoy wine with Thanksgiving dinner one way or another. You’re right, they’ll all be looking at the completed kitchen, right?! Thank you for your encouraging words, they are so appreciated!!
I do hope you manage to put all this chaos behind you before TDay. If not, remember the Pilgrims – they didn’t even have a sink in the laundry 😉
I am one of the statistics turning 65 this year. I think the key to survival is reducing stress. I work at that in very simple ways, like avoiding the worst intersection in town, even though it might save me a minute or two. I may not live longer, but I’m enjoying more of the time I am here.
Thank you, Dan, we hope so too. Excellent point – the Pilgrims knew how to celebrate without all the gadgets!
Yes, minimizing stress is important. You dodging that intersection reminds me of my mom – the year before she had her stroke she had a meltdown about the new roundabout installed on her street. Glad you’re enjoying your time – happy retirement to you!
Thanks Shelley.
My sink sprang a leak earlier this week and was out of commission for 1 day! … I don’t know how you’re managing and still haven’t bitten off the dog’s head! I enjoyed this post … everything teaches us about priorities if we’re open to it … and I love Dan’s example of driving down the easier street. Hmmm … good title!
It is amazing how we get so used to things. Copper might bite my head off, he’s not enjoying all the commotion. Yes, Dan is one wise man, I appreciate his cleverness, that’s for sure!
Sleep deprivation doesn’t make anything easier. Triggers to the past don’t either. It’s never a good time to be without a kitchen!! Sending positive thoughts your way. I remember a time – about 20 years ago – having our kitchen remodeled, including hassles like yours, and setting up all the kitchen stuff in the living room (including the frig I think). And it was Easter. Yikes. Also – I understand about the Alzheimer’s – my mother-in-law had that and it was devastating. We lost her years before she died.
Yes, sleep is super important. I hope to have proper sleep again soon :-).
The makeshift arrangement has made me appreciate how ‘routine’ we had become. It’s kind of nice to shake it up a bit. Over a holiday, not so much. You survived, so will we!!!
Sorry to hear about your MIL. My primary doc at the time I was going through this with my mom always reminded me that dementia is the longest form of goodbye. xx
I guess I have about a year and a half before I have to start worrying about Alzheimer’s, if being over 65 puts me at the greatest risk.
I’ve known a couple of people who had Alzheimer’s, a great-aunt and my brother’s father-in-law. And, of course, I knew about Glen Campbell. I know it’s not a kind disease (not that any disease is kind) and that it destroys the brain during its course more so than other forms of dementia. They say that keeping mentally active and eating foods high in omega 3 oils work well to prevent it, but that they’re no guarantee. I take great relief in knowing that simply being forgetful or having to write things down is not an indication that you have it…
All of your blogging and interacting with people is a good thing for your brain. I’ve yet to present to a crowd about dementia where there aren’t hands raised by the majority of people when I ask them if they know anyone with dementia or Alzheimer’s. Glen Campbell’s story helped many people see the realities of it. Did you see the movie? It was a good one to watch. Keep blogging and researching – and taking care of your heart. What’s good for the heart is good for the brain!
I feel for you. I do like the colors in the laundry room. At least coffee 🙂
Thank you, Janet. You know what it is like waiting for a project (like your studio) to be completed. I’m a fan of the colors in our laundry room too – I’ll keep it that way until I tire of it. Yes – at least there’s coffee!! xx
I am amazed that you are doing all this remodelling yourselves. I would be just turning it over to the contractors. Expensive…. which is why our kitchen will stay as it is for a while.
I read a really interesting article this week about a new study on how sleep clears toxins from the brain. Thought you might be interested. https://www.wired.com/story/scientists-now-know-how-sleep-cleans-toxins-from-the-brain/
We’re true DIY peeps here in our household. We did decide that the window replacements were best left to the pros. Expensive is right! I saw that article too – yikes, I need to get better sleep, that’s for sure!!! I hope you sleep well, thank you for sharing your thoughts!!
I thought it was interesting, too, that it gives researchers a new avenue to pursue for treatment.
I think the more people share about their memory concerns (as early as possible when they notice it) the sooner treatment or prevention can be identified. Staying active, mentally, physically, socially does seem to be the keys so far.
Wow, I’m wiping a tear. I think I’ll go call my Mom.
My kitchen needs to be remodeled too. I keep looking at the chipped Formica on my counter tops and dreaming of a re do, but at least the chipped counters are usable. It never fails that fixing one thing leads to a domino effect of other things, until the whole house is torn apart. Best wishes.
Aw…I hope you did call your Mom and that you had a great conversation. We’ve been dreaming about updating for a long time, so we just took the opportunity. It looked much easier to do than actually doing it. I’m looking forward to the house being put back together in the new space! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I so enjoyed your post about Quebec! xx
What a blessing your Mom is in your life, she’s always with you.
Thank you, Alice. We made it through that time together, I’m thankful we remained close and that I was there to hold her hand as we said goodbye. Yes, she’s always in my heart and thoughts.
B’s Grandma died from Alzheimer’s. I wouldn’t wish that disease on my worst enemy. It started ever so innocently until eventually she lost the ability to chew and swallow. I’m sorry about your mom Shelley. Hopefully your memories of her sustain you. Both my parents are dearly departed. I think of them often. Never more than around the holidays. This year I’m concentrating on the good times.
Thank you, Jill, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. Alzheimer’s is not fun for anyone involved in the process. Sorry to hear it affected your family too. I agree with you, missing never really goes away – concentrating on the good times helps. Hugs to you as you head into the holidays – your positive spirit inspires me :-)!
I miss hashing out things or whining to my mom as well and it will be ten years since I lost her (January 2010). Renovation is never easy and I don’t envy you in the least … I went through it a lot in this house – almost every corner of this house has had enhancements since we moved here and not one thing ever went smoothly – even simple contractor jobs were not easy … in 2017 I had multiple plumbing debacles. I thought I would lose my mind. I do believe the third time is the charm. My neighbor around the corner was in her fourth year since her dementia diagnosis when I met her in November 2018 – she died in April this year. When I met her, she stared at her toes and cried loudly and her husband spoke to her as one would to a toddler … she was the same age as me. It made a big impact on me as I was struggling with shoulder pain with zero range of motion on the left side and told myself “buck up and deal with it … this is kid stuff.” A neighbor who was a good friend for years, was admitted to a rest home for Alzheimer’s patients. She would call across the street to me “hey girly what day is it or what time is it” … she’d do it repeatedly while I was outside … it was upsetting to see the decline and she was removed from the house when she kept turning the burner on with no pot or an empty pot.
I found your comment in my spam folder – not sure why it went there?! Sorry!!! Yes, moms are great for chatting with, I think I’ll miss doing that forever. You have had your share of debacles. I hope you found that getting through them was worth all the hassles?
It is sad to see dementia take lives. Unfortunately, we’re going to see it more and more as the baby boomers continue aging. We’ll all need to be aware, as well as kind to those who are navigating it alone or with loved ones who are tired from the role of caregiving. Exercise is the #1 prevention tool for avoiding it, your walking is very beneficial to you – and you do a lot of ‘brain’ thinking stuff with work and on your computer. You’re on the right track to avoid dementia!! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Linda, I so appreciate your support.
Glad you found it Shelley – I often put my comment into a Word document if I have Word “open” just in case it goes to SPAM, but thought of it as the comment “flew through the air” … glad you retrieved it at any rate. I have heard that about having so many baby boomers coming of age –
my friend just completed her masters degree in gerontology and I send her tidbits I see online as has begun more certifications and studies in an effort to find a position – still no luck as she struggles to find a job in Richmond, VA – she is going out of town tomorrow as she is willing to relocate … this is her second masters degree (the first in 1979 or 1980 in social work; and now this one received August of this year – not even a nibble). My mom had lots of word search puzzles and crossword puzzles she did – I still have a drawerful of books as they had new ones come out monthly – I may start doing some of those. My mom loved jigsaw puzzles too – the more challenging the better. I have saved about 25 of those as well. I look forward to retirement for all the extra time to exercise my brain and my body too. After fellow blogger/health food nut Tom had the heart attack last week, it put the fear of God in me. I must move more … sit less. Worked out in the yard many hours yesterday and was away from the computer. Yay!
Yes – it’s rare that a comment can’t be retrieved, I just have to remember to check for SPAM or trash! It’s amazing to me that there aren’t more positions for gerontology – in our area, we have Dementia Care Specialists. They have an important job, but the government funds the position, so not every county has one. Maybe she could start her own company helping people in need?
Yes – do puzzles, keep moving (on that bike when the weather is bad) and take care of yourself. Sitting all day isn’t good for you, neither is any one position. Move about – be like a squirrel, getting their work done in multiple positions! 😉
I can’t understand it either Shelley and I wondered if she did not research enough into this degree, though her desire was to be in the administrative end of it, like administrator of a nursing home. I can’t say we have a lot of nursing homes around here to be honest and I even said that to her. I think she is going to need to tweak her ideas of what she wants to do – she just turned 63 last week. Better not wait too much later to decide! You are right – I need to move around and I realize it more and more every day, so you would think the walking would help, but it does not help to be limber nor the various issues from sitting all day long either. I’ve been here in one spot more than usual today – had an issue with my computer – did an update and could not get into work again (even with the VPN) – had to revert the computer to 10/31/19 and it took almost two hours to get it back to normal. So that was irritating to have happen and had to finish something and had my yearly Obamacare consult at 6-7, so went back to work after that – all around annoying day.
I hope she finds something she’ll enjoy doing. Yikes – don’t get me started on computer issues. Windows 10 and Outlook 2019 are pathetic for handling IMAP for multiple email accounts. Glad you were able to get your computer working. My day was frustrating like that – I wonder if the cyber-world is freaking out due to the weather too ;-)!?
I don’t know what is going on – I let the updates just stay on this computer. I can’t remote into work on this old laptop but that’s fine as I can check in via web-based e-mail. I’ll use the passwords to check the bank and that’ll do it on the weekend – always check the bank balance on Saturday a.m. for Robb. I try not to go to the kitchen table all weekend, standing only all weekend when using the computer. But the message worried me about not updating … I would not believe how long it took to do the rollback. I could put on the rest of the updates, but it was such a PIA to roll it back, I’m not doing it. After 01/14/20, there will be no more updates anyway.
I think Microsoft is intentionally messing with the updates from version 7 to 10 to force people to update. They probably need the $ to pay for all the techies trying to fix the messes. I updated by buying a completely new computer and Outlook still doesn’t work. PIA is right! I’m almost ready to start from scratch again. 🙁
I’m with you on that Shelley – I hate Microsoft for that and people who own a Mac just shake their head. When I’m done with work, the next computer will be a Mac. I have had enough of the MS BS as well. I got a pop-up on my screen this morning warning me about end of life for Microsoft. We still have to transition to Windows 10 at work. We are waiting until later in the year, after Robb recuperates from his procedure and is back to work again – less stress at the present time (his procedure is 11/14). around mi
I saw that message from Microsoft yesterday on my assistant’s soon to die laptop. Hopefully waiting until the end of the timeframe works for you and Robb. I hope his procedure goes well. I’m with you – when I’m retired years from now I hope a Mac is wrapped up as a retirement gift!
I hope so too and I need to do updates on that computer as well. It is taking up space right now. I should start using it – he finally configured it. Mac only, none of this new platform stuff and updates that wipe out your system.
Computers are not on my ‘love it’ list this month.
Mine neither after my issue last week.
I think my comment migrated to SPAM for some reason?
Mine is missing too… I had a link in my comment, and I think Shelley’s settings send those to moderation.
Hi Sue – I try to remember not to link to anything and can’t remember if I did … glad it wasn’t just me as I often go to SPAM, even though I am not SPAMMY by nature.
Shelley must be busy with all the reno work! I’m sure she’ll get to releasing our comments from purgatory when she has time. 😊
Ha ha – that’s why I popped in to say I had left a message. I don’t envy the reno work at all – I already told her about some of the horrors we’ve had over the years.
Yes, she’s a brave woman!
LOL – yes, indeed – I was busy! Thank you for cheering Linda on and for waiting patiently for me to recover your comments. xx
Glad you two supported each other and didn’t give up hope that I’d rescue you from SPAM! 😉
I found your comment – yes, went to Pending due to the link. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and the link. Sleep is SO important!!!
Feel the pain of Alzheimer’s my nan started with it in her 80s she ended up in a nursing home in the end. She didnt recognise me strait away when I last saw 18 months before she passed away at 91. I think they physically change slightly too when they have Alzheimer’s. 😥
Aww, sorry to hear your nan had Alzheimer’s too. It’s extra hard when they stop recognizing family. Yes, there are both physical and mental changes with the disease. Another indicator that our brain is an amazing organ that controls a lot and when the messages misfire or brain cells die so many things can go wrong. ;-( Thank you for sharing your thoughts – hugs to you as you remember your nan.
Dear Shelley, what a touching post…really sorry to hear about your mum, and what you had to go through…I admire your openness and strength to share this experience, and I can partly relate, as I lost my Spanish grandma two years ago to several strokes, and the last year was really hard for her and those who love her. I even moved back to Europe from Australia just to spend some time with her before her passing when I heard of her first stroke…It´s hard not to be able to protect someone we love very much from pain! I am sure you were an incredible support for her, Shelley! Sending you love and hugs. Also – love the funny cute pics of the squirrel! Life IS better with interpretative dance, lol! Talk soon xox
Aww, thank you, I appreciate your kind words of support and encouragement. Your grandma was so lucky you were able to move there to help her. I agree, it is hard to watch someone we love go through pain. Hugs to you as you remember her and that time, hopefully many happy memories as well.
Thank you – some of those memes online are so fun to use! Talk to you soon too – take care, xx!
Thanks Shelley, for your words of soothing sweetness. Yes, remembering the happy times is so important. We sometimes tend to forget doing that enough when we grieve I guess. Yep, keep those funky memes coming! 🙂 Hugs and enjoy your day over there xx
Aww…I’m smiling, thank you!!!
Big hugs, Shelley. I’m with you–missing our moms, these days! You’re so fit and healthy–doing all you can to stave off memory loss, I’m sure. In fact, for work, I recently interviewed a top Alz doc and he said that there’s a direct correlation between body fat and memory loss–that the bigger the belly the smaller the memory center in the brain. I’d never heard that before! Of course, I’m sure that’s one of many theories. But all we can do is remember those we’ve lost and do our best to remember everything else by keeping healthy! Good luck with all your home projects–ugh, you’ve been through the ringer there!
Thank you, Rebecca – moms are easy to miss, sorry you’re missing your mom too. I hope I’m able to keep healthy to prevent it. I’ve heard that belly fat correlation too – I think it goes hand in hand with the propensity for diabetes as well as high cholesterol and high blood pressure. There are so many factors, minimizing it to one thing doesn’t seem possible to me. Our gut health does affect our brain health though, I agree with that. You’re right, keeping healthy is the key. Thank you so much for your support!! xx
What a beautiful letter to your mom. That video was eye opening alright. Alzheimers kills more people than breast and prostate cancer combined! Scary stuff, but good motivation to do what we can.
Thank you, JoAnna. For some odd reason, your comment went to my spam folder!? I rescued you finally!! Yes, the stats are eye-opening, that’s for sure. I hope all of us consider that we’re at risk for it, dementia doesn’t discriminate. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
My mom had dementia, so I know the risk is real. Thanks for rescuing my comment!
Yes, I remember you talking about your mom having dementia too. You know the risks well. You’re welcome – sorry it took me so long to find the comment!! xxxxx
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